What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:07
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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But, we were locked up after school.
She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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My life is so biszare .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Why, after a divorce, would one still want to ruin the other one’s life?
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She married twice! .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And i lived it daily.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I will be 64.
When she asked me how she looked .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot live in the past .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i do to all so called friends.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it wasn’t much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.